Sauron the Musical

Pt VI - The Balrog Bites Back

First produced by the Australian Tolkein Society for "Convention" Sydney, June 12th 1988.

Written and Directed by Stephen Hart


In the Courtroom (in order of corruptibility))
Judge BackhanderPresidingTony Green
BoneskullUsher and ClerkWilliam Good
Gravelly SlimepitCounsel for the ProsecutionAndrew Taubman
Bordello MouthfootCounsel for the DefenceJack Herman
Samwise GamgeeDefendentWarren Taylor
Other Characters (in order of righteousness and good)
Frodo BagginsScenes 1, 3, 5Jill Seabourne
ElrondScene 1William Good
GandalfScene 1Stephen Hart
Legolas GreenleafScenes 1, 3Donna Nelson
GimliScene 3Jack Herman
GaladrielScene 3Juliet Bentley
FaramirScene 5Amanda Green
MablungScene 5Donna Nelson
GollumScene 5Andrew Taubman
Shagrat and GorbagScene 5David Roberts/Stephen Hart

Lothlorien Madrigal Group/Men of Rhun and Harrods:
Juliet Bently (soprano); Jill Seabourne (alto); David Roberts (tenor); Stephen Hart (bass).
Appearing courtesy of Barad-dur Promotions


Lights down. Voice in the dark - BONESKULL, Usher and Clerk
BONESKULL (Bombastic) Samwise Gamgee, you have been brought here to answer charges brought by the estate of Sauron T. Great, late Lord of Mordor, against you and your sometime companions, to whit: Frodo (Nine-fingers) Baggins and his gang of depraved gentlehobbits; Legolas Greenleaf and his performing dwarf Gimli; Aragorn Longshanks and Boromir - strolling players of no fixed abode; and G.T. Grey, alias G.T. White, alias Mithrandir, alias Tharkun, alias... (voice suddenly becomes petulant) this man goes on for half a page my Lord!
JUDGEObviously a hardened criminal. Skip that bit and carry on.
BONESKULL Thank you my Lord. (Resumes bombastic tone) That you and your companions, together and severally:
  • did knowingly receive and fail to return to its rightful owner a piece of jewellery of great intrinsic and sentimental value, to whit, one ring
  • did commit inordinately numerous accounts of murder, attempted murder, grievous bodily harm, assault, battery and nasty bruising against sundry orcs, trolls and balrogs.
  • did fraternise with elves
  • did incite to riot several groves of trees with subsequent damage to the property of one Saruman T. White
  • did scare to death several valuable oliphaunts by threatening to run up their trunks
  • did break and enter the Tower of Minas Morgul, property of the aforementioned Sauron, and commit accounts of murder and steal several items of army equipment
  • did commit a potentially unlimited number of other crimes which will be formulated and charged if you somehow manage to wriggle out of all the above.
How do you plead? Guilty or Not Guilty?
SAM Well, actually it's not that simple. You see, it was like this. Me and the lads had gone to Rivendell to attend a rock concert and somehow we got caught up with this bunch of loonies from the Misty Mountains Hiking Club who were planning a long distance hike to Mordor...
GRAMS:Cheerful folk music


Music down. Lights come up on Rivendell. Present are Elrond, Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Gandalf.
SAM (to Frodo) Can't say I think much of it so far, Frodo. When does Hendrix come on?
FRODO (consults programme) Doesn't seem to say, Sam. Hang on, I think they're going to make an announcement.
ELROND Here, my friends, is the hobbit Frodo, son of Drogo. Few have come hither through greater peril or on an errand more urgent.
SAM (aside to Frodo) What's he talking about?
FRODO Dunno. Maybe he means all those RBT units.
ELROND I will call on Master Gandalf to give you all the details.
GANDALF Thank you. I have here (holds up a letter) a letter from MUCUS, the Mordor Unit of Cavalry and Undercover Spies, which I propose to read to you.
ELROND MUCUS eh? OK, spit it out.
GANDALF (opens letter. As he starts speaking ELROND opens an umbrella). Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!
ELROND (putting away umbrella) Master Gandalf! Not since the last Black Sabbath concert have any dared to speak such incomprehensible gibberish in this house! What does it mean?
GANDALF Broadly translated, Master Elrond, and played backwards through a tape-recorder, it says "Bet you can't get to Mordor before we do! Rivendell sucks! MUCUS".
ELROND This is most serious. We cannot ignore such a challenge. Legolas Greenleaf, so far you have said nothing.
LEGOLAS That's because the script doesn't give me any lines.
ELROND Have you complained?
LEGOLAS Yes I have but it doesn't do any good. The director's a real bitch.
GANDALF Master Elrond, let us cease this unseemly bickering and decide what to do.
ELROND You are right. Since we don't have enough horses to challenge MUCUS we shall have to walk.
GANDALF Walk! All the way to Mordor?!
ELROND Yes indeed. Of course, I can't go myself, (coughs discreetly) the old war wound...
OMNES And you should have seen the old whore he got it from.
ELROND (ignoring them) ... but I shall choose the team. There shall be nine walkers to be set against the nine riders that are MUCUS.
GANDALF Nine? There's Aragorn and that idiot Boromir and Legolas and me but that's only four, or five if you count Legolas' pet dwarf.
ELROND Fear not! There are at present in my household four hobbits, here for the rock concert. They can go with you.
FRODO Hang on a minute!
ELROND To aid you on your way I give you this lucky ring (hands ring to Frodo)
FRODO Look, we came here for a rock concert, not to take a five hundred mile hike.
ELROND You might as well go. Hendrix hasn't turned up.
FRODO and SAM We want our money back!
ELROND Here. Take this draft on the Mordor Bank. And good luck. (Exits)
SAM We've been done, haven't we?
FRODO Yes. But why do we have to walk all that way?
GANDALF Well, it's like this...
Music. To the tune of "Walk down the avenue" - Gandalf starts then the others join in as preferred
We could skate into Mordor but we haven't any skates,
Take a train into Mordor but they're running rather late,
Catch a bus into Mordor but we haven't got the fare,
So we'll walk into Mordor,
Oh we'll walk into Mordor,
Yes we'll walk into Mordor till we're there.

We could cycle into Mordor but we haven't got a bike,
We could fly into Mordor but the eagle's out on strike,
We could teleport to Mordor but we haven't got the spell,
So we'll walk into Mordor,
Oh we'll walk into Mordor,
Yes we'll walk into Mordor rather well.

We could paddle into Mordor but we haven't got a boat,
We could swim into Mordor but we'd never stay afloat,
Ride a donkey into Mordor but they eat up too much hay,
So we'll walk into Mordor,
Oh we'll walk into Mordor,
Yes we'll walk into Mordor all the way!


The courtroom. Present are Judge Backhander, Boneskull, Slimepit, Mouthfoot and Sam.
BONESKULL Ah, he pleads Not Guilty my Lord.
JUDGE Good. Then let's get on with this travesty.
BONESKULL "Trial" my Lord.
JUDGE What? Oh yes, sorry. Been working in Queensland. (Turns to Slimepit) Mr Slimepit, have you met Mr Mouthfoot, Counsel for the Persecution?
SLIMEPIT That's "Prosecution" my Lord and I'm acting for it.
JUDGE Oh? Excellent. With you both on the same side we shall finish much faster. Do you wish to question the defendant, Mr Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT Thank you my Lord. (Turns to Sam) You are Samwise Gamgee of Bag End, the Shire?
SLIMEPIT What do you mean, no?
SAM My name is Sandyman Miller of Bywater and I demand to know why I have been locked up
JUDGE Mr Slimepit, this is extremely serious. What are we going to do about it?
SLIMEPIT I think the simplest thing, my Lord, would be to change the prisoner's name by deed poll and carry on.
JUDGE Excellent idea.
MOUTHFOOT Objection, my Lord!
JUDGE (tiredly) Yes, Mr Mouthfoot?
MOUTHFOOT My Lord, this is obviously the wrong man! You can't possibly try him.
JUDGE (patiently) Mr Mouthfoot, firstly he is a hobbit, not a man, and therefore only has dubious rights under the constitution. Secondly, we have gone to great expense setting up this trial and we don't want to waste the public money and thirdly, if we have to try a hobbit named Samwise Gamgee and we do try a hobbit names Samwise Gamgee, what difference does it make? Objection over-ruled. Boneskull, see to the change of name during the adjournment. Now carry on.
SLIMEPIT After leaving Rivendell, I understand you trekked to a place called Eregion (waxes lyrical) where the elves of old planted countless holly trees.
JUDGE Why holly?
SLIMEPIT Buddy Holly once held a concert there.
SLIMEPIT You then attempted the Redhorn Pass, failed and at the suggestion of G.T.Grey, moved into Moria.
JUDGE I don't remember his performing there.
JUDGE Buddy Holly. I was a great fan of his but I never remember him doing a show in Eregion.
SLIMEPIT It was in 1963, my Lord. It was in Moria that you are alleged to have committed sundry counts of grevious bodily harm against orcs and trolls and maliciously debridging one J.S.Balrog.
JUDGE He died in 1959.
JUDGE Buddy Holly died in 1959. He can't possibly have played a concert in 1963.
SLIMEPIT My Lord, I submit that this is irrelevant.
BONESKULL (exasperated) Can we please get on with the trial?
JUDGE Yes, of course. Where were we? Ah yes, Johann Sebastian Balrog. Wasn't he a composer? I seem to remember his Organ Works.
BONESKULL I wouldn't know, my Lord.
JUDGE Why isn't he here?
BONESKULL He wouldn't come
SLIMEPIT (aside) His organ works.
JUDGE Wouldn't come! Did you serve a subpoena?
BONESKULL My predecessor did, my Lord.
JUDGE Oh. Well, if he's not here we'd better carry on questioning Gamgee.
SLIMEPIT I have been attempting to do so for some time, my Lord! Samwise Gamgee, do you remember the incident at the bridge of Khazad-dum?
SAM Yes.
JUDGE What do you mean, yes? If you're Sandyman Miller as you claim, you can't possibly remember.
SAM Shit, what a give-away! Well, it was worth a try.
SLIMEPIT Now that we've got that cleared up, perhaps we can get on?
MOUTHFOOT My Lord, if we are getting to the defendant's own evidence, I ask to take over the questioning so that I can prompt more easily.
JUDGE Fair enough. Take over.
MOUTHFOOT Now, Mr Gamgee. Could you tell us in your own simple words just how all these unfortunate accidents occurred.
SAM Nothing much happened really, sir. First, a whole lot of orcs and trolls came into this room and tripped and fell on their swords and one accidentally shot himself with an arrow.
SLIMEPIT (leaping up) You can't shoot yourself with an arrow!
SAM Yes you can, sir. You only have to hold the bow the wrong way round. Every year, some young hobbit gets killed because he doesn't know how to handle his weapon. We've tried to get bows outlawed but there's a very strong lobby.
JUDGE Don't make speeches. Anyway, it isn't bows that kill people - people do.
SAM All I can say, sir, is that you've been hit by a person and hit by an arrow you can tell the difference.
MOUTHFOOT (coughs) To return to your evidence. After this series of accidents you then saw the Balrog fall of a bridge.
SAM That's right, sir. The young gentleman was fooling around on this narrow bridge. Mr Grey he went forward to warn him but it did no good. The young gentleman fell off and dragged poor Mr Grey with him. Terrible sad it was. I think the young gentleman had been smoking illicit substances and you know no good ever comes of that.
JUDGE Please stop making speeches. Mr Slimepit, what prosecution witnesses do we have for all this?
SLIMEPIT Ah well, we did have some orcs but none of them would come.
JUDGE None! Boneskull, did you serve subpoenas No, I remember, it was your predecessor.
BONESKULL Actually, it was his predecessor. This trial has been a terrible drain on the public service.
JUDGE How can we possibly do the next silly song without orcs? Send out for a couple.
BONESKULL Yes, my Lord. With or without anchovies?
JUDGE Just get on with it and leave the bad jokes to me.
BONESKULL (calls to offstage) Send in two orcs!
VOICE OFFSTAGE With or without anchovies?
JUDGE (to voice outside) Don't give up your day job.
Enter two orcs, to music. The first section of music is more or less 'Swanee' but it loses it at the end and segues into 'Roll out the Barrel'
Moria, how I love ya, how I love ya,
My dear old Moria.
I'd go a million clicks to be in your pits,
M.O.R.I.Ayyyyyyy I love ya,
Moria, how I love ya, how I love ya,
No dwarves in your holes.
If we get an infestation it won't be of long duration,
'Cos we know that we can always ...

Roll out the Balrog,
Let's give the Balrog some fun,
Roll out the Balrog,
We'll soon have those dwarves on the run.
Roll out the Balrog,
Sing out a song of good cheer,
Everybody loves a Balrog,
And the gangs all here.

[Repeat this verse then second time through add...]
Believe me mother,
The gang's all here,
He's like no other,
The gang's all here,
And he's my brother,
Yes, the Gang's... all... here!!!
JUDGE Well, that was fun. Mr Gamgee can you now describe to us what happened in the forest of Lothlorien?
SAM It's a bit complicated, my Lord. Would it be all right if I had a flashback?
JUDGE As it's in the script I don't see how we can avoid it.
SAM As we crossed the Nimrodel we met with the happy elves of Lothlorien who seemed to be holding some sort of concert...
Lights down during Sam's speech then up again on the Madrigal Group starting the next scene


Lothlorien. Present are Sam, Frodo, Gimli, Legolas, Galadriel, 2 elves, Madrigal group (probably including Galadriel and/or the two elves)
Lights up on elvish madrigal group singing a capella
We are the elves of Lorien (Ho!)
With a Fa la la la la.
So happy we're never worryin' (No!)
With a Fa la la la, Fa la la la la etc.

Our Lady is Galadriel (Ho!)
With a Fa la la la la.
That's why we're singing this madrigal (So!)
With a Fa la la la, Fa la la la la etc.

A Elbereth Gilthoniel,
With a Fa la la and a what the hell,
Silivren penna miriel,
Miriel's my girl and I love her well,
Oh, Miriel's my girl so fair,
With lily-white tits and golden hair,
Miriel's my girl, I love her true
And every night the things we do,
With an oo la la la, oo la la,
Fa la la la, Fa la la la la etc. etc.
GIMLI What's all this about, Legolas?
LEGOLAS This, Gimli, is a song festival. We cultured races often hold them.
GIMLI What's it in aid of then?
GALADRIEL Good friends, welcome to Lothlorien. This festival is celebrating one of the greatest elvish rock heroes.
FRODO You don't mean...?
GALADRIEL Yes! Elvish Presley! We elves think his music is truly beautiful.
GIMLI If that was a sample I can tell you we dwarves think it sounds bloody awful.
Elves 1 and 2 move forward aggressively but are stopped by Galadriel
GALADRIEL Peace, comrades. We who know all the secrets of the universe must have compassion for these inferior races. Go and prepare a magic potion for our guests
EXIT Elves 1 and 2
LEGOLAS I'll go and give them a hand. The Director still hasn't given me any lines
GIMLI If you know so much, tell me, what's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything?
GALADRIEL Everyone know that one. But we do not tell all we know. Long tradition obliges us to speak in obscure riddles.
GIMLI OK, give me one.
GALADRIEL Knock, knock.
GIMLI Who's there?
GIMLI Moria who?
GALADRIEL More o' yer bloody dwarves.
GIMLI (Picking up his axe) Try this one. What's about three feet long, shaped like an axe and bisects elves?
FRODO (hurriedly) Lady Galadriel? (confused pause) We have travelled far and are in need of aid.
GALADRIEL Call me "Comrade", Frodo
FRODO Yes, Comrade Frodo
GALADRIEL You're not a dwarf in disguise are you? (pause) Can I interest you all in a tour of our collective farms?
FRODO I thought it was the evil folk of Mordor who were the socialists and left-wing ratbags?
GALADRIEL Nonsense! Whatever gave you that idea. Now, hand over the ring. (Gimli picks up his axe and moves forward) Just testing. Glad to know you're all loyal allies of the West.
Elves 1 and 2 return with goblets
GALADRIEL Drink this and it will heal you of your hurts
SAM But we're not hurt.
FRODO Shut up and drink, you fool. It's just a figure of speech.
Everyone drinks
GIMLI Tastes good. What's in it?
GALADRIEL You don't want to know.
GIMLI Yes I do. Tell me.
GALADRIEL Rendered down dwarf.
Gimli chokes, rolls around on the floor, does dying ham act
What's the matter with him?
ELF 1 He just did a TAFE course in method acting.
GALADRIEL Oh. Well, now that you have drunk my potion you are all in my power. Frodo, hand over the ring!
FRODO (Dreamily) Yes Galadriel. (Takes out the ring and gives it to her)
GALADRIEL (Maniacally) At last! After all these years of disguising myself and dressing up in women's clothes, I Sauron have regained the One Ring and shall now rule the World!!!!!!!
Enter SLIMEPIT. Lights up on the main courtroom
SLIMEPIT My Lord, this is quite ridiculous. Go on. Get off you lot.
All except Sam EXIT. As Sam tries to sneak off too, Slimepit grabs him
Not you! My Lord, I must ask you to remind Mr Gamgee that he is on oath.
Lighting back to normal courtroom scene. Sam is now back in his place in the witness stand
JUDGE Mr Gamgee, is there one word of truth in any of this?
SAM Well no, not really. but it's far more interesting than what did happen.
JUDGE And what was that?
SAM The elves helped us and gave us a boat and set us on our way.
JUDGE Is that all?
SAM I told you it wasn't very interesting.
JUDGE Mr Mouthfoot. Please try to keep your client under control.
MOUTHFOOT Sorry, my Lord. Mr Gamgee, can you tell us what happened next and try and keep it out of the realms of fantasy.
SAM But the whole novel is in the realms of fantasy.
MOUTHFOOT Nobody loves a smartarse, Mr Gamgee. Just tell us what happened.


The Courtroom. Present are Judge, Boneskull, Slimepit, Mouthfoot, Sam. No break with previous scene.
SAM We went south for a bit then the party split up and me and Mr Frodo we went for a boat trip and got lost and found ourselves in a swamp full of dead people and being guided by a slimy little bastard by the name of Gollum who kept trying to bite your leg when you weren't looking and...
BONESKULL Excuse me breaking in, my Lord, but what about the destruction of Isengard?
JUDGE Good point. Why didn't you say something, Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT Sorry, my Lord. I was asleep.
SAM (smugly) Me and Mr Frodo never went near Isengard. You can't get us on that one.
JUDGE I think I'll have to agree with that. Better send for either Merry or Pippin whatevertheirnamesare.
BONESKULL I'm afraid there's a problem, my Lord.
JUDGE (wearily) No subpoena?
BONESKULL No, it's not that, my Lord. It's just that we've run out of actors.
JUDGE Some time ago I suspect. Very well. Any ideas Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT I guess Gamgee will have to carry on regardless.
SAM I object. There's nothing in my contract says I have to act out Merry and/or Pippin.
JUDGE You haven't got a contract and you're not getting paid anyway. Objection over-ruled. You are now Peregrin Took.
SAM I am not.
JUDGE Yes you bloody well are. Now shut up.
SAM Oh all right.
JUDGE Call the first witness.
BONESKULL My Lord, the first witness is a Mr Treebeard van Ent. He's sent in a tree-surgeon's report to say he's suffering from Dutch elm disease but sent this block of wood to represent him. (puts lump of wood on desk)
MOUTHFOOT gives audience a long-suffering look but doesn't comment
MOUTHFOOT Mr ... ah?
MOUTHFOOT Stupid of me. Mr Wood, your client was present at the destruction of Isengard was he not? (pause) Tap once for yes and twice for no. Do you understand?
FX two knocks
MOUTHFOOT I think we have a humorist here, my Lord.
JUDGE A stump orator, perhaps?
MOUTHFOOT Oh very droll.
SLIMEPIT Just branching out, I think, or I would have twigged to it earlier
JUDGE All these puns do tend to leaf us out on a limb
SLIMEPIT I wonder whether it's all rooted bark in our past?
JUDGE It's all in the nuts even if you do feel like a sap.
BONESKULL Will you two stop it. We're supposed to be putting on a review here.
JUDGE and SLIMEPIT (together) Sorry
MOUTHFOOT (sarcastically) I "bough" to your superior judgement. My I return to my questioning, my Lord?
JUDGE Sure, axe whatever you like.
BONESKULL (despairingly) Oh God.
MOUTHFOOT Mr Wood, can you tell us about the destruction of Isengard? (pause) Hello? (pause)
BONESKULL I think he's gone all sulky, my Lord. He didn't like the joke about the axe.
JUDGE Ah well, I'm not sure that evidence from wood taps is admissible anyway. Have we got any other witnesses, Boneskull?
BONESKULL It's been difficult, my Lord, but we do have this crystal ball that was present throughout.
MOUTHFOOT I object, my Lord. I submit that it is beneath the dignity of this court to go around questioning crystal balls and blocks of wood.
SAM Yeah, and I'm getting a bit tired of being Peregrin bloody Took an' all.
JUDGE You can shut up. But I think you have a point Mr Mouthfoot. What's the next order of business, Boneskull?
BONESKULL The complaint my the Minas Morgal zookeeper about the wanton destruction of his Oliphaunts.
SAM Thank God. I can be Gamgee again.
SLIMEPIT Mahatma Gamgee?
Boneskull throws a book at him and he subsides
MOUTHFOOT As I presume the prosecution as usual hasn't got any witnesses (looks at SLIMEPIT who shakes his head) I shall proceed with the defence, my Lord.
JUDGE Go for it.


SAM I think I'm about to have another flashback, my Lord.
JUDGE (irritably) I wish you'd stop using that stuff. Boneskull, do we have a doctor in the house?
Lights start to flicker and fade
BONESKULL Too late, my Lord. It's already happening.
Lights off
JUDGE Damn! All right then. Get on with it.
Lights up on Ithilien. Sam and Frodo standing. gollum sneaking up behind them on the ground
SAM Any sign of Gollum, Mr Frodo?
FRODO Stop worrying, Sam. You know he always comes back.
SAM It's not that, Mr Frodo. I'm afraid he'll catch something nasty. (Gollum bites Sam on the leg) Aaaaagh! You little bastard.
GOLLUM Is it juicy, my precious? Is it crunchable? Has it caught something nasty, my precious? (chortles to himself)
SAM I'll do you
FRODO Listen! There's somebody coming. I think it's more of Sauron's soldiers, unwillingly drafted into a cruel war against the forces of righteousness and good. (aside to the audience) Who writes this rubbish?
GOLLUM Ssssssssssssssss!
SAM Well put. Let's hide (Gollum and Sam crouch behind a rock. Frodo starts to move off.) Where are you going, Mr Frodo?
FRORO Apparently they need a soprano. don't worry. I''ll be right back.
GOLLUM A soprano! I didn't think I'd bitten his precious, precious. (giggles. Sam thumps him) Owwwwwww!
SAM Shut up, you slimy little creep.
Enter Men of Rhun and Harrods, singing a complicated four part arrangement to the tune of 'We wish you a Merry Christmas'
We don't want to go to Mordor,
We don't want to go to Mordor,
We don't want to go to Mordor,
It fills us with fear.
But our captain says we've got to,
But our captain says we've got to,
But our captain says we've got to,
So we've got to it's clear.

Tune changes to "The Ash Grove"
Now Sauron's big and mighty,
He gives us a bloody fright, he
Can call on the powers of night and he
Makes our blood freeze.
His gaze is like a bright sun,
His left eye is a right one,
And the hairs on his dicky-di-do,
Hang down to his knees.
We could fight off his screamin' demons,
We could out-plot his dirty schemin's,
We could breath Orodruin's steamin's
And do what we please.
But we find it too scary
When a man is so big and hairy,
That the hairs on his dicky-di-do
Hang down to his kness.

Back to "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"
And we don't want to go to Mordor
We don't want to go to Mordor,
We don't want to go to Mordor
It fills us with fear.
Bad tidings we bring,
We don't like this thing
And we don't want to go to Mordor,
It fills us with fear.
But our captain says we've got to,
Our captain says we've got to,
Our captain says we've got to,
So we've got to, it's clear.
Frodo moves back behind rock. The other three break ranks
MAN OF HARRODS 1 Where on Middle Earth have those bloody oliphaunts got to?
MOH2 God knows. Say, have you heard this one. What's the red stuff between oliphaunts' toes?
MOH3 Slow hobbits
SAM That's not funny!
MOH 1,2 and 3 Who said that?
MOH1 (pointing offstage) Look out! Here come the Men of Gondor!
EXEUNT in a hurry. Frodo starts to follow but Sam pulls him back
SAM It's all right, Mr Frodo. They'll never spot us behind this rock.
Enter Faramir and Mablung
FARAMIR All right, you three idiots. Come out from behind that rock. Hey, Mablung! Look what we've caught.
MABLUNG Hobbits, Faramir. Or at least two of them are. What's that thing? (points at Gollum)
GOLLUM Ssssssssss!
MABLUNG How do you spell it?
GOLLUM S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s!
FARAMIR Do you suppose these are the hobbits spoken of in the prophecy?
MABLUNG What prophecy?
FARAMIR I can't remember how it goes exactly. It's an old poem:
When south comes the hobbit,
Sauron will cop it,
Two hobbits with creep,
You'll find them asleep.
Almost fits exactly doesn't it.
MABLUNG They weren't asleep although I admit the bit about the creep (Gollum bites his leg) Owwww!
FRODO Do you want us for something or are you going to stand here all morning reciting bad poetry?
FARAMIR We're looking for some oliphaunts? Have you seen any?
FRODO What is an oliphaunt?
FARAMIR An elephant for people who can't spell.
FRODO Oh. No, never seen any of those. How about you Sam? Gollum?
GOLLUM Ssssssssssssss!
MABLUNG Why does the little creep hiss all the time?
SAM It means his tooth hurts and he's about to bite your leg. (Gollum bites his leg) Owwwww! Right, young feller-me-lad. It's the dentist for you.
GOLLUM Spare us, precious! If we loses our last tooth we'll have nothing, precious. We might as well cast ourselves into a volcano. Ssssssss!
MABLUNG Why do you keep him?
SAM He's cheap.
FARAMIR There's nothing for us here, Mablung. We must continue our search. You hobbits had better come and have dinner with us.
FRODO That's very generous of you.
FARAMIR It's in the prophecy:
Serve hobbit with dinner,
And Gondor's a winner
FRODO (dubiously) Ah.
FARAMIR Lamb stew tonight. And how about a leg for your friend?
Group starts to exit. Lights start to fade
MABLUNG I say, Faramir. Why do oliphaunts wear ripple-sole shoes?
FARAMIR I don't know, Mablung. Why do oliphaunts wear ripple-sole shoes?
MABLUNG To give the hobbits a 50-50 chance.
Everyone is offstage by now. Lights are down
Owwwwwwwwww! Get that little bastard off my leg!


The courtroom as before
JUDGE Fascinating flashback, Mr Gamgee. Don't do it again. I must say I'm going to enjoy reading the report of this fiasco. Boneskull, you are making notes are you not?
BONESKULL Well, I Could I borrow your pen, my Lord?
JUDGE You idiot! You know every trial must have a word for word report for the records. Start now and you'll just have to make up the rest later. And don't forget to send a draft copy to the Royal Commission. Now where were we?
SLIMEPIT My Lord, we had reached the point of the alleged breaking and entering of Minas Morgul;
sundry counts of grievous bodily harm;
incitement to riot;
theft of army equipment to whit:
helmets, two, orcs for the wearing of;
suits, one, ringmail;
breeches, one pair, long and hairy;
tunics, leather, one;
swords, one, dwarves for the cleaving of;
and cloaks, two, black of finest Mordor wool;
and entering Mordor without a valid entry permit.
BONESKULL (scribbling furiously) Slow down, dammit
SLIMEPIT For my first two witnesses I call Messrs. Shagrat and Gorbag.
MOUTHFOOT Objection, my Lord!
JUDGE Well, Mr Mouthfoot?
MOUTHFOOT My Lord, Gorbag is dead! It says so quite clearly on page 183.
JUDGE Pass me volume III Boneskull. (Takes it and looks up the reference. Reads in measured tone) "Got you Gorbag," he cried. "Not quite dead, eh? Well I'll finish my job now". He sprang on the fallen body and stamped and trampled it in his fury, stooping now and again to stab and slash it with his knife." Well that seems pretty conclusive. What do you say Mr Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT Ah, you have to allow for a certain amount of poetic licence...
MOUTHFOOT My Lord, he's dead! He is an ex-orc! He has turned up his toes! He is pushing up daisies! He has gone to that great pit underground! He has passed on! He is no more!
JUDGE I'm afraid I don't quite understand.
MOUTHFOOT He's carked it, my Lord
JUDGE Why didn't you just say so?
SLIMEPIT I submit that there are still grounds for doubt.
MOUTHPIT Oh no there aren't.
SLIMEPIT Oh yes there are.
etc. try and get audience involved as in a pantomime
BONESKULL Silence in the court
Slimepit and Mouthfoot stop
JUDGE Mr Slimepit, do you have anything to add?
SLIMEPIT Yes, my Lord. I have here affidavits signed by twelve upright members of Mr Gorbag's farming collective that he is in fact who he says he is.
BONESKULL Twelve upright members!
JUDGE I'd let that one pass if I were you.
SLIMEPIT And I have a further 144 affidavits signed by other members of that farming collective to the effect that the first twelve members of the farming collective are indeed members of that collective and would in no way be lying when they say Mr Gorbag is a member of that esteemed agricultural organisation which they all say he is anyway.
BONESKULL (still scribbling furiously) RSI! RSI!
JUDGE Be quiet Boneskull. Mr Mouthfoot, you know and I know that this is all a pack of lies but I'm afraid that on the basis of all these affidavits I'm going to have to admit Mr Gorbag's evidence. Carry on Boneskull.
BONESKULL Call Shagrat and Gorbag
OMNES Shagrat and Gorbag!
BONESKULL Very funny.
Enter Shagrat and Gorbag, very orcish and uncouth
Music to the tune of 'Road to Gundagai'
There's a track running back to that old accursed crack,
Along the road to Shelob's lair.
Where the fungus is growing,
And Morgul Vale is glowing,
Beneath a moonlit sky.
Where my Mommy and Daddy got eaten long ago,
And the friends of my childhood are just a pile of bones,
When I die I may go where the goblins go below,
But my guts will still be there.

Soft shoe shuffle for a verse

Every day you're afraid that you're going to get betrayed,
Along the road to Shelob's lair.
If you go on much farther,
You'll end up in her larder,
Suspended by your hair.
We've tried Mortein and Pea-Beu, put traps down where she lurks,
Sent in Rambo and Arnold but nothing ever works,
So we know that we'll go where the goblins go below,
But our guts will still be there.
In Shelob's lair.
BONESKULL Order! Order!
SLIMEPIT Two hamburgers and a side plate of chips
JUDGE Present Mr Shagrat and Mr Gorbag with the Holy Book.
Boneskull hands book to them. they eat it
JUDGE (Who has been absorbed in some papers on his desk) Well have they taken the oath, Boneskull?
BONESKULL Ah, I think you could say that, my Lord
JUDGE Mr Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT You are Messrs Shagrat and Gorbag?
S and G Grunt!
SLIMEPIT Of 76 Morgul Terrace, Mordor?
S and G Grunt!
SLIMEPIT Would you not agree that the accused is as guilty as all hell of everything that we've said?
S and G Grunt!
SLIMEPIT No further questions, my Lord.
MOUTHFOOT Mr Shagrat and Mr Gorbag, I put it to you that you are telling us a huge pack of lies.
Shagrat and Gorbag say nothing but start fingering Mouthfoot as a prospective lunch
MOUTHFOOT I... er ... my Lord! ... I ... er ... Mr Shagbag! ... Help!
Shagrat and Gorbag leap on to him, snarling and tooth-gnashing. Slimepit and Boneskull pull them away
MOUTHFOOT (Badly shaken and stirred) My Lord! I request permission to regard these witnesses as hostile!
JUDGE I don't think we're really going to get much out of these two anyway. Mr Shagrat and Mr Gorbag, thank you for attending today. If you can catch my Usher you can have him for lunch.
Boneskull shrieks and runs off, hotly pursed by Shagrat and Gorbag
JUDGE It's about time he retired anyway. Remind me to fill in a UB40 and get a replacement. How are we going?
SLIMEPIT Just about ready to go into the final scene, my Lord.
JUDGE I hope it's a short one. I'm dying for a drink.


SLIMEPIT (Rising to begin his final speech) My Lord...
He is interrupted by noises off and all the remain cast except Boneskull come on stage
OMNES Rhubarb, rhubarb, cauliflower, leeks, radishes, potatoes, etc.
JUDGE Who are all these people?
SLIMEPIT Sounds like an agricultural convention.
Enter Boneskull looking faint and battered
JUDGE Is that you, Boneskull?
BONESKULL (faintly) Yes, my Lord
JUDGE (aside) Damn! (to Boneskull) Who are all these people?
BONESKULL (Staggers back to his chair and collapses melodramatically) The jury, my Lord.
JUDGE You know I've had this niggling feeling in the back of my mind all the time that something was missing. The jury, of course. Why didn't you say something, Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT Everything was going so well I didn't want to interrupt.
JUDGE Who's the foreman?
FOREMAN I am, sir
JUDGE (snaps at him) My Lord!
FOREMAN I'm not a Lord, sir
JUDGE Really scraping the bottom of the barrel for jokes now, aren't we? Where have you all been?
FOREMAN We were called to the bar, sir.
JUDGE They just get worse. I suppose you're all pissed then?
FOREMAN Oh no, sir. Sober as newts we are. Aren't we lads?
JURY Ar! Oh yes! Like newts sir (etc)
JUDGE All right then. Slimepit, get on with your speech.
MOUTHFOOT Objection, my Lord!
JUDGE Yes, Mr Mouthfoot?
MOUTHFOOT My Lord, how can this be said to be a fair trial if the jury has been absent throughout?
JUDGE Mr Mouthfoot. On the evidence so far, can you seriously say that your client has been disadvantaged by the absence of the jury?
MOUTHFOOT Ah, well...
JUDGE Exactly. Now sit down. Mr Slimepit?
SLIMEPIT Members of the jury. (Jury all nod and say, Aye, that's us etc) I will recap for you:
There are three things you must remember:
1. Despite any evidence you might hear to the contrary, Gamgee is guilty.
2. While under arrest he was induced to make a verbal confession, although he later reneged and refused to sign a statement. We can produce as many police officers as necessary to testify to this effect.
3. Your cheques are not yet in the post and should you somehow find him to be not guilty, they will be cancelled and the bank will foreclose on your mortgages.
That is the evidence for the prosecution.
JUDGE That sounds like a fair summing up. Mr Mouthfoot?
MOUTHFOOTMembers of the jury (Jury answers as before)
GRAMS Violin music
MOUTHFOOT I put it to you. Could such a fresh-faced innocent-looking lad as my client really be guilty of all these heinous crimes?
JURY Ar, yes, should think so, etc
MOUTHFOOT To convict him when you have not even heard the evidence, would be a travesty of justice.
JURY Yes (etc)
MOUTHFOOT You would not wish such a thing to happen! (confusion in the JURY) There is no evidence against him except a few concocted affidavits and an alleged verbal confession. You wouldn't hang a dog on that!
JURY (shocked) Of course not, no never (etc)
MOUTHFOOT Could you then convict an innocent hobbit?
JURY (together) Yes!
MOUTHFOOT I ask you to return a verdict of NOT GUILTY! (unresponsive silence)
JUDGE Thank you Mr Mouthfoot. I shall now sum up. Members of the jury. (JURY answers as before). You must consider your decision carefully. It would seem to me, with years of experience and a long legal training that Gamgee is guilty as charged but you must make up your own ignorant minds and not let this influence you. It might seem to you that Mr Slimepit has presented the case for the prosecution with immaculate skill and that Mr Mouthfoot is a babbling idiot but you should not let this influence you either. You must consider only the evidence. You must not consider the fact that my cheque hasn't been posted yet or that I would be very angry if it failed to come through. You may now retire to consider your verdict.
FOREMAN That's not necessary, sir. We're already agreed.
JUDGE (prods Boneskull) That's your cue.
BONESKULL Members of the jury, do you find Samwise Gamgee Guilty or Not Guilty?
FOREMAN (takes out a piece of paper and reads it carefully) Guilty.
BONESKULL And is that the verdict of you all?
FOREMAN (looks carefully at paper again and nods to the rest of the JURY) Yes sir (JURY agree)
JUDGE Samwise Gamgee you have been found guilty as charged. Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?
SAM I thought I was never going to get another line. Yes, my Lord, I do.
JUDGE That's a pity because I'm not going to let you. (Clears throat) Samwise Gamgee you have been found guilty of the charges brought by this court and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard and presumably accepts punishment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to sentence you to the maximum penalty allowed for these offences. Boneskull, pass me the black hat
BONESKULL It's at the cleaners, my Lord
JUDGE Damn! Gamgee, count yourself very, very lucky. What hats have we got then?
BONESKULL Ah, not very many, my Lord. There's a fire helmet?
JUDGE I want to sentence him. Not burn him at the stake.
BONESKULL An Easter bonnet?
JUDGE I don't think we're allowed to crucify people any more.
BONESKULL The fez from a harem guard?
JUDGE We're not allowed to do that either. This is getting ridiculous. Don't we have any decent hats?
BONESKULL I'm afraid the red beret is all we have left.
JUDGE Oh well, I suppose it'll have to do. (Takes it from BONESKULL and puts it on his own head) Samwise Gamgee, I hereby sentence you to three years in a parachute regiment. You will be with the United Middle Earth forces currently supervising Mordor and, if your behaviour warrants it, will be issued with a parachute after your third jump. Do you have any last words?
SAM My Lord...
Song to 'I don't want to be a soldier'
SAM I don't want to be a soldier,
I don't want to go to war,
I'd rather hang around Minas Tirith underground,
Living off the earnings of an elvish lady,
Don't want a bayonet up me arsehole,
Don't want me bollocks shot away,
I'd rather live in Gondor,
In merry, merrry Gondor,
And fornicate me fucking life away.
OMNES (Repeat in the third person i.e. He don't want to be a soldier etc)
SAM Thank you ladies and gentlemen. We will now sing our completely spontaneous encore and we want you all to join in the actions. (to tech man) Can we have the tape please?
OMNES (with actions)
Roll out the Balrog,
Let's give the Balrog some fun,
Roll out the Balrog,
We'll soon have those dwarves on the run.
Roll out the Balrog,
Sing out a song of good cheer,
Everybody loves a Balrog,
And the gangs all here.
Repeat and march out through the audience in line



© Stephen Hart 1988-2008

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